Dear Diary,
Right now I just have all these mixed
feelings: fear, joy, excitement, anxiety, and I don't know I guess millions of
other feelings too. Here's what happened this morning, I woke up, switched on
my cell phone, closed my eyes and waited to hear the SMS notification tone in
case I have received any messages while it was switched off, and I usually
don't, then wake up and start my day BUT I was laying down right there when I
heard the message tone and I swear I felt like somebody kicked me on my stomach
when I saw who the sender was, it was him! Yes him! His number! I deleted his
name but I memorize his number and I didn't know what to do! I closed my eyes
while the message was loading, I felt like I was falling from a cliff, I got up
and sat on the bed still with my eyes closed, I didn't dare to read the content
of it, I said a prayer: please God make it my long-awaited text. Then here it
was "Hello… how are you doing?" It was sent late at night at 3.00 a.m.! So I'm
like! I don't know, did missing me kept him awake and he finally sent that or
he's just acting like my friend and wants to check on me?! I don't know. I
didn't know what to answer, it was him, back! Talking to me again! I didn't
want to ruin that so I didn't want to
say something that will make him again stop sending me, I want him back in my
life in any possible way, even if as a friend, I just wanted him back. So, I
wrote, without further thinking: hi, how are you? I'm doing well, thank you,
how about you? But, no reply came. "Holly crap! Not again" I said. He
throws one message at me to fuck up my life again then he ignores me again.
Does he simply want to stop me from moving on and keep me always attached to
him?! But, at 4.00 p.m. he replied "I'm fine, thank you, I'm glad you're
doing well. Take care." And that was it! I didn't know and still don't
know what to say anymore, did I made a mistake by my casual simple answer?
Should I have said that I'm not fine and I miss him like hell and want him
back? Is it too late now!? Should I send it then but what if he's just trying
to be friendly and or he wants to take things slowly and give me another chance
little by little then if I send that heated text, I will ruin everything and he
will run away from me again! God I don't know! Will he send again or that was
just my last chance to have him back and now I ruined it!? I think I'll wait a
couple of days and if he didn't send again, I will send that text. But how am I
going to live until then! Damn! I've just had started getting better! Now I'm
back to the first square! God! Give me a break!! But I'm still happy; happy
because I'm still on his mind and yet I'm scared, worried…….etc.
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