Dear
Diary,
I
feel stressed up and absolutely exhausted. He sent me again yesterday, he asked
again how I was doing and such stuff. I couldn't stop myself from replying
"I'm fine, thank you, but I'm just confused, why you send me if only two
weeks ago you said that we were over?" he didn't reply until after an
hour, my heart was racing all that time, I called myself stupid a hundred
times, I said that I just pushed him away again, but I couldn't help it, I had
to know where we were standing. Anyways, he finally replied "I know but I
think I'm giving you another chance but I hope I won't regret it." Once I saw
the word "another chance" my heart jumped inside my chest, "so
he wants me back" I thought, I was so happy yet I was scared, scared
because I don't know what tests will be waiting for me to earn this second
chance and how long it will last before I do something that will be a new
reason to break up. Still, I just want him back, no matter how much that's
going to cost me. I just don't want to live without him. I can't. so I replied
him thanking him for that and I told him how much I love him, how I couldn't
forget him, how much I suffered without him…etc I just poured out my heart to
him, I know that may make me more vulnerable to him but I'll have nothing to
lose if I lose him, so I'll give him everything else to keep him. He said he
loved me too and he missed me too, but not as passionately as I did, I mean it
was all those short sentences ending with "too" that you know he's
being rather polite and considerate than really willing to say them. That hurt
a bit, but it's o.k., even if he doesn't love me like before, I'll do my best
to change that, besides, I know him, he doesn't like to express his emotions to
me that much and show his love to me. Finally, he said we were going to talk
soon, but that was it, since yesterday he didn't send or call and although we
are supposed to do that talk on the phone but no signs of him so far, I sent
him "what's up?" but no reply. So, did he change his mind or what? Or
does he want me not to contact him until things are settled. I don't know, I'm
sick of this. Above all this, I had a fight with my best friend because she
said that I was stupid to let him in my life again, and she told me who is he
to give me second chances while I didn't do anything wrong. She said that the
world is full of wonderful men who won't make me play all these guessing games,
men who won't test me or just forget everything we shared and break up with me
at every little problem we face, men who when upset about something I did, will
simply let me know as soon as possible and won't just turn their backs on me to
let me find out on my own. She said there are men unafraid of saying "I'm
sorry" when they make any mistake, men who say "I love You" in
any time or place, men who notice and take care of the small details that mean
a lot to a lady. She told me it all exists, and her man was just like that but I
won't meet someone like that as long as I'm stuck on an abusive guy. Her words touched
some undiscovered part of me and made me upset, I told her who was she to judge
our love as if she was all-knowing and I told her that he is the one I love and
I don't give a damn how other men may be, I love him and he's all she mentioned
except he needs time and tolerance and I need to stop upsetting him because
when I don't he's so different, he's nice and sweet. But she told me that she
pities me and that I was so blind and she told me that if he really loved me, I
wouldn't have made him upset that often because in true love, you even love
each other's imperfections, but I yelled at her and said "enough with your
philosophy and pretending that you know everything, I love him, I'm back to him
no matter what and if you're really my friend, you'll support me in this."
But she said that she was never going to support me in this, yet, she would
respect my decision and was going to say no more about this. Then she left, so I
think we won't be that close again anytime soon. So, now I'm waiting for him to
call and talk, I'm losing my patience. I'm stressed and don't know what to
expect. I just want this to be over somehow. But what I know for sure is that I
love him so much and I'll do anything to stay with him. I'm not ready to let
go. Not yet.
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