Normal

Last summer I was given a chance to work as an interpreter for three days with an American organization concerned with women issues in the Muslim world. During those three days, two of which were in Suly and the third was in Kelar-Germian, we visited the women shelters in Suly and both in Suly and Kelar, we met women who all were facing social problems and real tragedies stemming basically from the fact that they were simply women in a world that hardly recognizes the basic rights of these species that many times are treated not as a part of the human species. The experience as whole was very eye-opening and to some extent, it gave me a clear idea about women sufferings in my country Kurdistan of Iraq and it introduced me to both the sick mentality that leads to the discrimination and suffering of those women and also the victims' mentality itself that in most of the cases played a big role in the course of the events, and this mentality is essentially a mentality that is shaped by a society in which girls are raised to absorb and accept the concept that women are below men in everything and a woman's job in her relationship to the other sex whether it be her father, brother or husband is to submit to him and accept everything he says and does with an open heart and mind because after all she is never the one who should question his judgment, therefore, the best thing for her to keep her safe and out of trouble is to follow his orders and do exactly what pleases him. Although not all of the cases were from backgrounds that clearly stated these rules and emphasized on them, but these rules were still secretly running the wheel of these women's fate because the majority of the society, despite our denial of it, is still unconsciously holding these rules in the mind and works acts by them when the right time comes.

All the cases I have seen during those three days confirmed one single fact which is that women need to receive education and find jobs because this seems to be the only way to stop their being abused by the dominant male because as statistics have shown it, a woman who can financially depend on herself is not only respected more by the male family members but she's also less likely to tolerate violence and abuse and she can stand up better for her rights and put an end to her miseries. Actually their being financially dependent on their families or husbands is exactly what made the women we met absolutely helpless and locked up in a shelter that desperately tries to reconcile between them and their families which in most of the cases makes the woman end up again in the shelter after a few months. Therefore, what I have seen and what the American interviewers also reassured is that unless women are not educated enough about their rights and unless they are not empowered enough to get out of the home and have a job that earns them money, no woman will be able to escape her fate of abuse and slavery.

During these days I have seen many cases but one of the cases told me something that summarizes the whole tragedy of women not only in my country but worldwide. In Kelar, we were interviewing some woman who had left her home sometime ago and on that specific day she had been reconciled with her husband and agreed to go home. When the interviewer asked her why she left the house this was her story: her husband goes to fishing everyday and comes home late and she complained about this on a few occasions, which is something very normal provided that the poor wife would be left home alone with their kids, but apparently, she had been crossing some real red line here and as a result, the last time she complained about this, she received a big punch on the face from her husband that gave her a black eye. Later she recalled how she tried to hide this black-eye from her parents who happened to be their neighbor and their home was opposite to theirs. She said she locked herself home so that they wouldn't get to see the black-eye, but they eventually did and unlike the other stories, this father was a good one who took her to their home immediately and said that she shouldn't live with that abusive man anymore. However, the man wanted his wife back and she wanted that too, and when we asked her why, she said because she was helpless and she didn't want the kids to be left to the mercy of some stepmother when her husband remarries. Finally, the problem reached the Department of Women Against Violence-Kalar Office, where after many discussions the two were reconciled and the husband signed on an official paper that stated that he was not to beat his wife again. We asked her if she really believed that she was never going to be beaten again by her husband but she said she didn't know and we asked if she was going to report him if he did and she said she wasn't because she didn't want more troubles, and then I heard that shocking statement in which the whole dilemma was summarized: the interviewer asked me to ask her if this was the first time she was beaten by her husband and she naively answered: no, but the other times were normal beatings. I was numbed at this and I didn't know how exactly to translate that! And to whom? To a sweet young American girl! I mean I have studied the English language for four years at college but I never came across the word normal or ordinary collocating with the word beating, and I'm sure they never will as long as they refer to beating human beings. I mean how beating can ever be normal? Anyhow, I translated what she said and I don't even need to mention how surprised the interviewer was. She asked me to ask her to explain what she exactly meant by that, and when I asked the poor woman that question, she with her limited communication and conversation skills explained that she meant a slap or a light punch, i.e., she meant this was the first time for the beating to leave a bruise, which is another disaster that still in the societies where women are abused, beating is not a serious thing as long as it doesn't leave a bruise, as if the psychic and emotional impact it leaves on a woman's psychology, on her spirit, her sense of dignity and self-esteem is nothing, so girls are taught to consider such beatings normal as long as they don't leave a physical mark.

The interview was over but the story will never end there, the woman was left to go home and continue her life where she gets "normally" beaten over and over and she keeps calling that normal and so her daughter will also call it normal and allow it when it happens to her, her sons will also call it normal and use it with their wives who are also told by their own families that it is normal and thus this vicious circle continues and it's never broken until a woman is empowered enough to complete her education, find a job and choose a husband who is going to respect her, and even if he doesn't, since she is not going to be too dependent on him, she may be a hero and ignore all the society's gossip and divorce him to live a dignifying life and raise her children in a better environment.

To sum all this, our tragedy is a result of how fragile and weak our girls are raised to be, how much we don't teach them anything about their rights as individuals, as human beings, how much we ignore boosting their self-confidence and self-esteem to a degree that they are left numb and they don't even realize that something is seriously wrong when a man is abusing them, to the degree that they tolerate abuse and think it their unavoidable fate, think that as women they are naturally condemned to be abused and disrespected by the men their life as if this is how nature works. Our catastrophe is that our educational system tells us more about math, history and physics than it does about human rights and the human values and the rights and wrongs. This woman dropped out of school because she didn't like it, she found it too difficult, of course! Because no one told her how necessary and important it is for a person to receive education and find a job, no one guided her to discover her inner talents and powers, the social system that tells her be an obedient wife and tolerate abuse was much more stronger than our fragile educational system, than our frowned moody teachers who don't look at teaching as a mission but rather as a job they get paid for. We, our social system, our educational system, all of us, everyday create a woman like her, create a family like hers and unless our old ways are changed, this vicious circle is never broken and we will always live in a world in which beating is called normal.