Today was the worst day in my life; it was
the day I died from inside. I hardly slept last night thinking of what is his
reaction towards the text message I sent him and wondering if he even read it
and why he didn't still reply. I literally put my heart and soul in it. I wrote
it in the most emotional and passionate possible way. I listed all my potential
mistakes as well as all my flaws that I know of then I apologized for them and explained
myself in detail. It was hard to fit in all that in an SMS, so it turned into
an MMS at the end. Still, he didn't reply to me. I hardly slept because I checked
my phone every five minutes and stared at it while I was lying down waiting for
the phone to light up the room announcing the arrival of that long sought
message but it never did. I had a head-splitting headache all today and my eyes
were swollen. I don't even need to mention that I haven't studied a word during the
past few days. I reached the edge of reason today and seriously thought of
committing suicide, I mean, that was the only possible way to get a reaction
from him. I imagined the moment he receives the news, how sad he will be and
how guilty he will feel to know that I died because he never gave me a chance
and how many regrets he will have when he thinks of his harsh last words to me.
Honestly, all that sounded so sweet. The problem is, I can't really do that
because of my family, especially mom who loves me that much and who sees a very
bright future for me. My greatest pain is also that I can't share this with my
girl friends because then they will start judging me and they will make me listen
to that "He's not worth it…" lecture, so I told no one and I feel so lonely
and helpless. Anyways, at 5.00 p.m. his reply finally came and seeing how short
the text was made me fall apart because short messages can't be good. After two
days he said "You don't know anything…You don't understand anything…You're
a hopeless case...Just give it up" at this point I just fell apart. I had
no more to say, no more to give, I was done and all I was thinking of and I
still think of is one thing: I don't wanna live anymore. At my despair I wrote
him "O.K. as you like it…I give up...I don't know what my fault is and I
am a hopeless case...So, we ARE over." I pressed send and my hands were
shaking, when I read the report saying "delivered" I couldn't believe
what I just did, I wanted to cancel that, to take it back because I just
couldn't bear that we were over, I just can't live without him. I really can't!
But a stupid little voice in my head said "maybe this will make him change
his mind" so in two minutes, I received a reply, a painfully short reply
saying "Yes, we are." I felt like I couldn't breathe, after holding
this love for three years and bouncing back and forth between "are we
friends or are we more than that" this wasn't how I imagined the end of
our love. I imagined us being old and being grandparents, not like this through
a cold senseless emotionless thing like my cell phone. It is so unfair. This can't
be it!! Is it really over!? I still wonder and I just can't do anything. I'm paralyzed
and numbed. I'm stuck in that moment. The moment of receiving that text and I can't
move on because I still don't get it! What happened for heaven's sake?! I just
don't get it! Please God. I don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning and receive
the new day. Tonight, I'll fall asleep with one prayer on my lips: Please God! Kill
me.
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