Dear diary, I haven't written a word since
a week because I've been so ill and I was hospitalized. You see, I was so
devastated after my break-up with him that I fell ill and my health condition
deteriorated in a way that I needed to go to the hospital. They said it can be fatigue
from all the stress of the exams but I simply say it was heartbreak. Anyways, my
friends visited me and they knew about my story, the story of my breakup and
tried to give me their compassion and sympathy but all that talk of "he's
not worth it" "you deserve someone better" "You'll find
love again and will be happy"…etc sounded so shallow and cliché that they
couldn't touch my broken heart that now seems to be covered with layers and
layers of ice. First there was pain, so much pain that I was supposed to be
dead and yet I wasn't, I wondered how I was still alive with that much pain but
I somehow survived despite my great desire not to. Then I suddenly stopped
feeling anything, as if the pain at some point got so severe that it was no
longer felt on the physical level. However, one person managed to dig through
those thick layers of ice and touch my heart. That was my best friend
"H" who visited me and told me: Girl, you've been abused and it may not be
over yet. She told me about her ex and how he used to fight with her over the
silliest things and make her beg him to forgive her and how she admitted
mistakes she had never done and how she apologized for things she was never guilty
of but that was his way of keeping her captive. She told me how each make-up
came with new sacrifices and compromises from her side, whether it was traits and
qualities that she had to give up that were actually parts of her personality,
habits and rituals she had to stop practicing and people she had to stop
seeing or being friends with. She said he was day after day trying to change her;
he was taking away pieces of her and replacing them with pieces from the kind
of girls he wanted her to be and yet, when it was all done, when the
transformation was over and she ended up being a totally different person from
who she really was, he said that she was still not good enough and that was her
wakeup call and that was the moment the spell was broken and she told him: kiss
my ass!. She said that I am lucky if this is really over and she said that he
may come back again. This actually thrilled me somehow because although all she
said made a lot of sense and touched very deep places of my heart and revealed
many of my hidden wounds but part of me still says that he's not like that,
he's different and I don't feel ready to let go, I still don't feel like I can
move on, but I still have to, I can't hang on to that small hope of his return
and I am trying really hard not to imagine him calling or texting and telling
me all those sweet words of how regretful he is and how much he misses me and
wants us back, but I keep falling into that fantasy whenever I daydream. I'm
afraid once that happens I'm going to take him back. My mind made a decision
not to do so and it prepared all the right words to say but my heart aches at
the mere thought of that, so I really don't know what to do. Right now I'm
trying to keep myself busy with studying all the time and I'm spending a lot of
time with my family and friends who try to entertain me. I never think of
telling my parents because that will make me lose their trust and I didn't tell
them in the first place because he isn't the kind of guys they would ever
approve on, especially that to them I'm still too young. So I'm letting myself
heal silently and I try to glue my broken pieces together and I think I've
started to love life a bit again, but I still can't find the peace of mind I want
because my heart still calls out his name and this question keeps replaying
itself inside my head: will he be back again?!
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