The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend-Part Five

Dear Diary, I've been so busy lately to write anything. Well, I keep myself busy…with school, my final exams, hanging out with friends and spending time with my family. I keep myself busy and surrounded by others most of the time so that I won't think of him or of what happened but still, when night comes and I'm in bed alone with complete privacy to think then all the memories crawl back and all the "What if.." "Maybe..." and "Why.." thoughts fill my head and I sometimes cry, sometimes I get so angry and sometimes I get so depressed but one feeling remains deep down under the surface and that feeling is that I still miss him, I still love him and I still want him back. I don't admit this to anyone because I will be judged by them but this is the truth, we never had a real closure and I still don't know why we broke up but as my friends tell me, this is his way to keep me captive and unable to move on, I really don't know…

But, I guess he's not coming back and I just have to move on because I never heard of him so far, so I'm taking one day at a time and I live day by day always living in the NOW and I seem to be healing but… something had happened and I think I'm again stuck or I even fell back to where I was, you see… I received a call from him, not a call but a ring, not a ring, my cell phone didn't even ring; this is how short it was. It was a missed call. Perhaps he dialed my number by mistake, but I guess he would have realized that even before I receive the call, so maybe it wasn't by mistake, maybe he intended it to look like a mistake, but even if it was a mistake this means he's still got my number, but what if he tried to tell me something through that missed call? like, I should call him or text him but no, I can't, what if it was a mistake then I will look so stupid, so desperate and I'll make a complete fool out of myself, no I won't call him, but what if it was such a sweet thing like he misses me so he wanted to call and then he changed his mind! Damn it! This clue is not enough to tell me anything except it makes it harder for me to move on, it tells me that I'm so not over him and he's so not going to disappear from my life any time soon, God! How can I live like this!? What that missed call means!!!!