Last summer I was given a chance to work as an interpreter for
three days with an American organization concerned with women issues in the
Muslim world. During those three days, two of which were in Suly and the third
was in Kelar-Germian, we visited the women shelters in Suly and both in Suly
and Kelar, we met women who all were facing social problems and real tragedies stemming
basically from the fact that they were simply women in a world that hardly recognizes
the basic rights of these species that many times are treated not as a part of
the human species. The experience as whole was very eye-opening and to some
extent, it gave me a clear idea about women sufferings in my country Kurdistan
of Iraq and it introduced me to both the sick mentality that leads to the
discrimination and suffering of those women and also the victims' mentality
itself that in most of the cases played a big role in the course of the events,
and this mentality is essentially a mentality that is shaped by a society in
which girls are raised to absorb and accept the concept that women are below
men in everything and a woman's job in her relationship to the other sex
whether it be her father, brother or husband is to submit to him and accept
everything he says and does with an open heart and mind because after all she
is never the one who should question his judgment, therefore, the best thing
for her to keep her safe and out of trouble is to follow his orders and do exactly
what pleases him. Although not all of the cases were from backgrounds that
clearly stated these rules and emphasized on them, but these rules were still
secretly running the wheel of these women's fate because the majority of the society,
despite our denial of it, is still unconsciously holding these rules in the mind
and works acts by them when the right time comes.
All the cases I have seen during those three days confirmed one
single fact which is that women need to receive education and find jobs because
this seems to be the only way to stop their being abused by the dominant male
because as statistics have shown it, a woman who can financially depend on
herself is not only respected more by the male family members but she's also
less likely to tolerate violence and abuse and she can stand up better for her
rights and put an end to her miseries. Actually their being financially dependent
on their families or husbands is exactly what made the women we met absolutely
helpless and locked up in a shelter that desperately tries to reconcile between
them and their families which in most of the cases makes the woman end up again
in the shelter after a few months. Therefore, what I have seen and what the
American interviewers also reassured is that unless women are not educated enough
about their rights and unless they are not empowered enough to get out of the
home and have a job that earns them money, no woman will be able to escape her
fate of abuse and slavery.
During these days I have seen many cases but one of the cases told
me something that summarizes the whole tragedy of women not only in my country
but worldwide. In Kelar, we were interviewing some woman who had left her home
sometime ago and on that specific day she had been reconciled with her husband
and agreed to go home. When the interviewer asked her why she left the house
this was her story: her husband goes to fishing everyday and comes home late
and she complained about this on a few occasions, which is something very
normal provided that the poor wife would be left home alone with their kids,
but apparently, she had been crossing some real red line here and as a result, the
last time she complained about this, she received a big punch on the face from
her husband that gave her a black eye. Later she recalled how she tried to hide
this black-eye from her parents who happened to be their neighbor and their
home was opposite to theirs. She said she locked herself home so that they
wouldn't get to see the black-eye, but they eventually did and unlike the other
stories, this father was a good one who took her to their home immediately and
said that she shouldn't live with that abusive man anymore. However, the man
wanted his wife back and she wanted that too, and when we asked her why, she
said because she was helpless and she didn't want the kids to be left to the
mercy of some stepmother when her husband remarries. Finally, the problem
reached the Department of Women Against Violence-Kalar Office, where after many
discussions the two were reconciled and the husband signed on an official paper
that stated that he was not to beat his wife again. We asked her if she really
believed that she was never going to be beaten again by her husband but she
said she didn't know and we asked if she was going to report him if he did and
she said she wasn't because she didn't want more troubles, and then I heard
that shocking statement in which the whole dilemma was summarized: the
interviewer asked me to ask her if this was the first time she was beaten by
her husband and she naively answered: no, but the other times were normal
beatings. I was numbed at this and I didn't know how exactly to translate that!
And to whom? To a sweet young American girl! I mean I have studied the English
language for four years at college but I never came across the word normal or ordinary
collocating with the word beating, and I'm sure they never will as long as they
refer to beating human beings. I mean how beating can ever be normal? Anyhow, I
translated what she said and I don't even need to mention how surprised the
interviewer was. She asked me to ask her to explain what she exactly meant by
that, and when I asked the poor woman that question, she with her limited communication
and conversation skills explained that she meant a slap or a light punch, i.e.,
she meant this was the first time for the beating to leave a bruise, which is
another disaster that still in the societies where women are abused, beating is
not a serious thing as long as it doesn't leave a bruise, as if the psychic and
emotional impact it leaves on a woman's psychology, on her spirit, her sense of
dignity and self-esteem is nothing, so girls are taught to consider such
beatings normal as long as they don't leave a physical mark.
The interview was over but the story will never end there, the woman
was left to go home and continue her life where she gets "normally"
beaten over and over and she keeps calling that normal and so her daughter will
also call it normal and allow it when it happens to her, her sons will also
call it normal and use it with their wives who are also told by their own
families that it is normal and thus this vicious circle continues and it's
never broken until a woman is empowered enough to complete her education, find
a job and choose a husband who is going to respect her, and even if he doesn't,
since she is not going to be too dependent on him, she may be a hero and ignore
all the society's gossip and divorce him to live a dignifying life and raise her
children in a better environment.
To sum all this, our tragedy is a result of how fragile and weak our
girls are raised to be, how much we don't teach them anything about their
rights as individuals, as human beings, how much we ignore boosting their
self-confidence and self-esteem to a degree that they are left numb and they
don't even realize that something is seriously wrong when a man is abusing
them, to the degree that they tolerate abuse and think it their unavoidable
fate, think that as women they are naturally condemned to be abused and
disrespected by the men their life as if this is how nature works. Our catastrophe
is that our educational system tells us more about math, history and physics
than it does about human rights and the human values and the rights and wrongs.
This woman dropped out of school because she didn't like it, she found it too
difficult, of course! Because no one told her how necessary and important it is
for a person to receive education and find a job, no one guided her to discover
her inner talents and powers, the social system that tells her be an obedient wife
and tolerate abuse was much more stronger than our fragile educational system,
than our frowned moody teachers who don't look at teaching as a mission but rather
as a job they get paid for. We, our social system, our educational system, all
of us, everyday create a woman like her, create a family like hers and unless
our old ways are changed, this vicious circle is never broken and we will
always live in a world in which beating is called normal.
