The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend- Part Ten and the End

Dear Diary,

Finally here I am again, six weeks passed since last time we talked! Long time! Huh!

When I turn your pages, I see a very long history of painful writings! Yes! Painful! They are painful to read and even my hand writing seems like of someone in pain! But ironically, your 500 pages are finally going to finish with the end of the story that occupied your pages for the last 3 years. You know I have this ritual of not writing on the last page of any diary book, so I have a poem I wrote to put there later. I think you are going to like it and perhaps you'll sigh with relief! I'm sorry for all the terrible stories that filled your pages; you were a nice happy and colorful diary note book when I bought you.

You know, you have witnessed how I was charmed and fascinated by a guy who for some few reasons I believed he was the one for me, you have witnessed those fantasies and unrealistic dreams, those high expectations and assumptions about how great, how special, how unique, how romantic, how educated, how well-manner, and what a gentleman he was and how he was going to treat me and love me, how our love will be exceptional and how we are going to live a fairytale envied by everyone. And you also witnessed how slowly I fell head over heels in love with this man, this imaginary man I created in my head and gave him his face and his name and you heard those repeated stories about my failing attempts to get closer to him, my endless questions and interpretations of things he said or did and wondering all the time where we were standing and weather we were on the same page! you also witnessed how when finally my dream came true and I was his girl, how everyday and in every single incident he proved to be the opposite of what I thought, but you also saw my denial, my naivety, and my desperate efforts to convince myself that he was the right one for me and that he was the one I have been dreaming about, meanwhile, you also realized that he took advantage of this and of me, he fooled me, he played games whose rules were put by him and he, so slowly, made me lose pieces of myself convincing me that the problem was me and I was the one who stood in the way of his being the great guy and boyfriend I wanted him to be. You witnessed my despair, my tears, my pain and sorrow, you saw me breaking down, you saw me struggling to get on my feet as I was always crawling in the dirt reaching up for that ever far and ever impossible place he called "future". That future that was always better, always happier than now, a future in which he would be a better man, a nicer man, a more romantic, more respectful and more understanding and more tolerant man. But somehow, that future never came because it was just an illusion to keep me stick around him waiting while life passes me by. It took me long, long but not too long to realize that you didn't need future or miraculous changes and events to be yourself, to be human, to be kind, to do what's right, unless, you don't have these qualities already, unless you're not that person anyway, and in this case, waiting for centuries will not change this, but I didn't want to see this, I didn't ask why I am already all that, no matter how bad my day is, no matter how stressed out I am, I'm still a good supportive loving and tolerant girlfriend, I didn't see that, or better say, I looked away when I saw it. You witnessed all this and you were unable to speak. But I have some good news for you now: I am awake, I can see all that and I'm no longer blinded by his fake and fabricated charm. Now I see all he is and all he's not and that's why I walked away; I turned that page, once for all.

One day, I talked to him about the things that have been eating me about him, and I said I wanted to call it the end, but he didn't allow me, he gave me excuses and justifications, he said that he needed my patience, he needed me to be tolerant and he was going to change once his life was back on track and his business was going to blossom (I still don't know what business has to do with being a jerk!). I knew they were all lame excuses and I knew he was just buying himself time, but I decided to play along and wait for that perfect moment, so I said o.k., we'll wait then. I must add, he didn't beg me or anything, but he was just "discussing" the thing with me in his "rational" grown-up" "experienced" way that was supposed to impress or let's say fool me!

I was already running out of my love towards him, because love, just like anything else, if you keep giving it without receiving it in return, you eventually go bankrupt and you find no more of it to give. Before, I used to fill my love pockets through going back to those fantasies about our future and my imaginary picture of him as that great guy, but now that I was aware of their false nature, my only source of love ran dry.

I must also mention that in our last days, I was almost sure that he was seeing other people and that he had more than one girl in his life and that explained his days of disappearance, his late replies, his "being busy" excuses…etc so it seems like I was a name on a big list, although I know I was in the shortlist. The "Maybe we'll have some future together list" because if physical pleasure is what he wanted me for, then I'm sure I didn't give any of it, so he was keeping me for that other purpose, like some fine suit hanged in the closet for special occasions.

Anyways, it was a normal day, we were talking and he was in a good mood, for tomorrow of that day, we were going on a trip out of town because this is what my parents promised me after I was going to finish my finals, so I was very excited that day. That day, he  was out of town too, he was visiting some friends at his hometown that he left a few years ago to settle down with his family here, suddenly the subject of how he had better chances for his business to flourish in his hometown came up and he said he was going to move back in there in the future, and sure he asked me if I was going to follow him there, my honest answer was simply "NO" sure he didn't like it and suddenly I found myself accused of always saying no to everything and never making any sacrifices (seriously!) and he started giving me examples of girls much more educated and beautiful than me who followed a guy to rural places and lived to raise cattle and plant crops just to be with the man they loved and all this because I objected that I wasn't ready to get away from my family and live in his hometown where my dreams and ambitions that he knew very well about and he was supposed to be the greatest supporter of them were impossible to achieve in that place. So, his inferiority complex came into surface again and he accused me of making fun of his roots and looking down on him and no matter how much I tried to explain my position, it was useless, so he told me: you know, you have to choose, either me or here! If you won't follow me there, you will lose me! So make a choice! And I explained my reasons again and explained how unreasonable his request was especially that there's no way that any business will blossom in that place. But he wouldn't listen and he made up an excuse to end the phone-call. After that, I sat with myself, I thought for a while of how much I was ready to let go of him and yet there was that pain in my throat, the pain of letting go of something familiar and jumping into the unknown, but I thought, how perfect timing was that, a day before my long-awaited trip, a few months before my new life at college starts, i.e, I was literally in front of a new beginning, but this wasn't all of it, was I really not ready to give up my plans? Was I not ready to give up my dreams for the one I love and follow him wherever he went? Was I really not ready to make sacrifices for my love? No, I wasn't that terrible person, but I knew three things for sure, first: this was all again a new test, a new attempt to control me and my life and make me submit to him because I knew there was no business or bull shit in the matter. Secondly: I knew if he loved me for real, he would never have asked me to give up everything for him like this especially that his only motivation here was business and money, so how come they can be more valuable than me? Isn't it just because he wants me to say: yes, of course darling, I'll follow you to the end of the world? But let's say I was going to say that, wouldn't that have been a lie? Wouldn't I then just lose myself? Third: I was ready to sacrifice for real for the one I love, I was and still I am ready to follow my love, my true love to the end of the world except, he wasn't my true love and he didn't deserve that sacrifice form my side because he never did anything that could have earned him this and make him worthy of it, so I texted him and told him that it didn't work for me, I wasn't ready to do that and I told him that then this is better to be the end. He texted me back, and told me in his provokingly short kind of texts "it surely is" I won't lie and say this didn't hurt and part of me didn't wish for another reply but I knew this was for the best, so I texted him back and wished him all the best in life and wished him that he was going to achieve all his goals and I said goodbye" he replied "good bye" and that was it, my long tragic gothic romantic novel ended with a text message! I didn't mind it, I didn't want it to end in a better way because it was as cold and impassionate as text messages! So, the moment I received that text, I felt such a great relief! I felt like I was set free and yet I was scared that it wasn't over but I made it clear to myself that it was over no matter how hard he was going to try to have me back. I got rid of everything and threw all the memories away, they were not much anyway (he wasn't so generous in this too) and for next morning we hit the road and I had the best road trip in my life! I loved the feeling of being single again and I still love it! when we were back he seems to have made some stupid attempts such as sending a new request to my messenger which I declined and I also blocked him and that was it, I know he may send on certain occasions but these will get no replies too, he will, from now on think that I'm dead because the only responses he is going to get from me will be those of a dead person: NO RESPONSE.  And this is it, the end of my painfully long story with an unhealthy abusive relationship. I am seeking no revenge, I have already forgiven him and let him go, he, with this life he's leading will not reach any happy endings anyway and one day he will regret all this he did to me and any other girl and he will say: boy! That girl really loved me! But even if he remained a jerk even on his death bed, it's o.k., I don' care anyway because I'm seeking nothing from him and I am already alone on my own but also free and strong because what doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger and I learned my lesson and I'm having no regrets and I will change nothing of all that even if I could because this is what it should have been and this is what I needed to go through to learn some lessons about patience, tolerance, selflessness, compromise, sacrifice and giving and I also learned what kind of men are the right kind for me, what concepts I had about love and about a good boyfriend were wrong, what in reality isn't any cool or charming. I am more realistic, mature and experienced now and I somehow owe this to him and this experience and I know next time I will do much better and I'm not sorry for all that I gave him, I know they are not really wasted because I loved sincerely and honestly and I believe this can't be wasted, I believe in karma, and one day, I will receive all that I gave in return from someone who will be ready to give them without even being asked or begged to, someone who is going to love me, just the way I am, with all I am and I am not, someone who won't make me change into someone else but rather will make me the best of myself because he will support me to win my battles with my own demons. I know that person is somewhere out there, and I'm not in a hurry to find him or search for him, I will live my life to the fullest, I will love myself and complete myself because no one can complete you but You and I will leave it all to fate, to God, and I know someday, somehow, out of blue, he'll be standing there and I won't miss him because it's destined for us to meet and when we do, we'll fall in love and I will love him even more passionately, more sincerely and honestly than I did with my ex and I will give him more and more because he will be worth it and I will be ready to sacrifice everything for him, but I won't anyway, because he will never ask me to. It will be love with all its human and sacred meanings and I know it will hurt a little too, but it's o.k., we're human and this is how we work things out, what matters now is that I'm content with myself and I'm not waiting for anyone, for the first time in my life, it's just me-myself-my dreams-my ambitions-my potentials and everything I am facing life and the unknown! Quite interesting! Boy! I'm really loving it!

P.S. I'm done with writing diaries, I'll let life write itself and my diaries will be recorded in my mind, my memory and my achievements in life.

Here is my poem as the epilogue of this chapter of my life:

The Winner

Your bright glow has finally worn off

Exposing the rough features

Of your ugly truth:

You were not a great dream

You were not a sweet song

and you were not my only hope.

You were the jailor of all great dreams,

A deadly deafening silence,

And the slayer of any hopes.

Looking back at the footprints you left on my path,

at all the pretty roses and buds you accidentally on purpose, trod.

at the crushed leaves of  your beautiful lies

That fell even before the arrival of fall,

I realize:

I'm not sorry or sorrowful for losing you

I don’t miss that "endless love"

I feel no guilt, no regrets.

I don't need another ending

Or need an eraser, placed on the end of fate's pencil

But I DO regret failing myself

I DO miss the innocence in my eyes

That burning flame in my heart

That perfect harmony between the body and the soul

But mostly I miss my lost faith,

my faith in love.

looking back at what we had,

looking within at what I still have,

and looking forward to where the road will take me and the parts that survived,

 I understand:

I don't need to seek other choices,

I can do without your instructions,

Without your manuals, without your maps,

And without your keys of heaven

So, I'm closing this door once for all

because I ran out of expectations.

So, I'm retreating from this battlefield

proud of all the scars I hold,

because I am taking home the biggest trophy:

I-with all that I am.

07/10/2006