Dear Diary,
If you have noticed, I'm not writing you daily anymore because I
feel like I'm running out of new things to say, as if over months, I've been
filling your pages with the same crap every day, I don't even remember when was
the last time I didn't tell you about him, to be more specific, about how much he
hurts me and makes me suffer. As you know, we talked, we reached an agreement
which was to agree with all he says and I gave up half of myself for him and
all this just hoping that this will make things better, this will make him
better, kinder, sweeter, more loving, more passionate and eventually will make
our relationship more peaceful and stable, more like what I have been dreaming
of all these years. But, as you may have guessed, nothing really changed, he's
just the same, he ignores my texts and replies after hours giving me the
"I was busy" excuse and when he replies, his replies are always
shorter than my messages, less passionate and don't answer or comment on many
things I mentioned. He doesn't answer my calls most of the time giving me the
"There were many people around" or "I wasn't in a good place to
pick up" excuses and if I show resentment or doubt, he'll start getting
mad of me and suddenly, from the one who was mad of him and waiting for his
apologies, I become the one who's reproached and has to apologize. Just like
before, I have to pick my words carefully because you never know when a certain
word suddenly becomes an insult. Just like before, sometimes I don't hear from
him for one whole day. Just like before, I have to beg for some romance from
his side and say all the romantic crazy stuff to get some from him in return
(which is not always guaranteed). Just like before, he's so mysterious, his behavior
is hard to predict, it's hard to know what he's up to and you don't dare to ask
him in a way that makes him think that you're questioning him. And as a result
of all this, just like before, I can find no rest, no peace, no lasting moments
of happiness. Any time he doesn't reply to a text or a call, any time I don't
hear of him for a day, I grow anxious and think that maybe I have done
something wrong again and he broke up with me again without even letting me
know. So, nowadays I'm realizing many things and some stuff seem to start to
sink in, like, considering the many break ups and fights we went through in
this short period of time, how long will this relationship last before another
one, a last happens, especially that this is supposed to be my last chance?! And
how we are supposed to survive sharing the rest of our live together if this is
how we are already?! And I'm thinking, how tired I am of always thinking and
wondering if I have done something wrong, I'm becoming obsessed, I look around,
I recall my day and check my sent messages over and over to see if I have said
or done anything that can make him get mad of me, it doesn't feel right. That day
I saw an interview with a woman whose husband was so abusive and used to beat
her up for any simple reason, she said the same thing, she talked about how she
would look around to see if she had done something that could have triggered
his violent side. And she talked about that he wasn't physically abusive before
marriage, but he was emotionally abusive, like him now, and I thought
"God! Will I be that woman?" I don't know, but I just fear him now
more than I love him, it doesn't feel right! And the fact that I gave and gave
and gave only hoping that he will change, he will become the man he used to be
before but I ended up with me changing while he remained the same, maybe, this
is how he simply is, maybe he was never any different, except I didn't know
this before, I was blinded by some of his sides so I made that perfect picture
of him in my mind and I fell in love with that imaginary guy that I gave his
name and his face, maybe this is the problem, and this is why I thought being
with him will be like a fairy-tale coming true, but now, after being his girl
was the dream I was chasing after for years and it was all I wanted, now that I
have it, it has become a nightmare, something I want to run away from. After all
these sacrifices, all this suffering, all these tears and all this heartbreak,
when I look back, I see that the happy moments are so few compared to the sad
ones, I mean, where is it? Where is the guy I was dreaming of, that special guy
who was supposed to give me that unique relationship? Well, I see nothing of
it. And he and his love are unique in the things I'd wish them to be ordinary
and they're ordinary in things I'd rather if they were unique! So, where is that
love and romance? I find them no where around, I've been chasing it, feeding
myself on its hopes and fantasies but the real one, I never tasted it. And you
know what happened today? Today something happened that can be the last straw,
we were supposed to meet, I almost got prepared but he called and said he had
some urgent work to do and he couldn't make it. later, we were chatting , and I
complained a bit about what happened(sure
without crossing my limits) then after some other stuff being discussed, I said
that I was sad, sure I meant mainly because I couldn't see him, but you know
what he told me "You girls never stop whining! You're sad! What can I do
for you? Should I dance to you to cheer you up?" I know I am so young and
inexperienced about love and romance but is this, the kind of answers a girl gets
when she says to her boyfriend that she's sad? Did I misunderstand the whole
concept of a love relationship or what?! Did I?! anyways, I remained calm and
explained to him what I meant and he then like some sort of charity said a few romantic things to fix the shit he said
but I it's just too little too late. So, I'm waiting for that chance, that
chance when I walk away, that moment when I'm ready, a moment when I walk out
of the door gracefully, proudly, with nothing to regret, with nothing to be
ashamed of, with no what ifs, with nothing to be ever blamed for. I'm waiting
for it and I know; it's approaching.
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