Dear diary,
The
call I was waiting for, I didn't receive it only after one more day and it came
to tell me that he wanted to see me at the park that day, I didn't really
expect that but he said that this was the best and only way and I was obliged
to cancel other obligations to make that possible. Anyways, I met him and, you
know how when you don't see someone you love for such a long time because you
were not talking, but you still can't hide your happiness and enthusiasm when
you see them because you missed them a lot, well, this wasn't the case with
him. He greeted me like a stranger and with a poker face and a confident
unshaken voice he started talking about our problem, he told me that he wasn't
planning to do this and give me this second chance but then he thought of me
and he sympathized with me and didn't want to me to go on without ever knowing
what was my fault that he broke up with me, he said all this in such an
arrogance that made my heart ache, then he added that after reading in one of
my texts (he meant the one I poured my heart out in it) that I'm too young and
inexperienced and I may make some mistakes out of ignorance and not on purpose
and I really need him to understand this and help me out as he's older than me
and more experienced. So he said he decided to give me this other chance so that
I won't fail again either with him or with a new person in my life. it was hard
to hear that he was doing me a favor and it was harder to hear him talking
about me being with someone new, Anyways, then he told me that this was my last
chance and it was a test period and if I failed it, I won't get more chances. It's
hard to explain but part of me just felt sick! It wanted to say "what the
hell?" but I still suppressed that, I just love him too much to let go
besides, I believe when you love someone you have to do and give everything
possible to help the love survive and this to have a clear conscience about everything
later and never have any regrets about that relationship when you think of it
because you know you did your best. It's weird that I'm talking about this now,
but can I really imagine my life without him? Maybe!
So, why he was
upset with me, in his words was "there are just too many things wrong
about you that I cannot stand and that's why I just one day decided to stop and
leave you because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore" what were the
wrong things about me he explained were the way I argue with him on certain
matters and how straightforward and outgoing I am and he's obviously offended
by that, but I really don't get it, why my self-confidence and honest answers
to stupid hypothetical questions like "if I asked you to pick a different
major than the one you like, will you obey me?", I know I should be a
sweet fake girl and say "sure honey, anything you ask" but that's not
me! And then he criticized the self-confident way I talk to guys with and he
asked me to avoid talking to them and ignore them as much as possible, but I don't
get it! The only guys I know are my cousins, friends to the family, neighbors...etc
because I'm not a slut to talk to complete strangers. But it seems that even that
is not good. Then he asked me to wear better clothes and stop wearing the stuff
every girl wears nowadays, like the new fashion trends and he said if you are
as different as you claim then you should wear other things that make you
unique, but the clothes he suggested are nothing like me! And he went on
mentioning people I should not see, stuff I should not say, stuff I should not
do and the list got longer and
longer and finally,
he, so indifferently threw this question at me: so, what will you choose?
Changing these bad things about you to have me back or ignoring all I said and
losing me? And as much as it sounds stupid, I said: sure, I choose you over the
world. Then he smiled and put his arm around my neck saying: then you're the queen
of my heart. But that was it, the nicest move of the day, he then got up saying
that he had an appointment, and I went home alone and just like the old days,
he doesn't keep in touch much often, he ignores my messages and replies only
after hours and this all makes me die of fear thinking that I did something
wrong again and failed the test, it's really uneasy and although weeks ago I was
ready to lose everything else and have him back because I thought he was
everything, now when I finally had him, I don't feel like a winner at all
because I feel like I lost much more precious things along. I really don't know
where we're going but I think this is it, if again he broke up with me for some
new reason, I'll just give up, I can't live in fear all my life like this. I'm
tired of worrying all the time and suspecting my own actions all the time and
being the one who gives so much and receives very little in return, I'm just
tired, I don't want to lose myself more than I already did!
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