The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend- Part Ten and the End

Dear Diary,

Finally here I am again, six weeks passed since last time we talked! Long time! Huh!

When I turn your pages, I see a very long history of painful writings! Yes! Painful! They are painful to read and even my hand writing seems like of someone in pain! But ironically, your 500 pages are finally going to finish with the end of the story that occupied your pages for the last 3 years. You know I have this ritual of not writing on the last page of any diary book, so I have a poem I wrote to put there later. I think you are going to like it and perhaps you'll sigh with relief! I'm sorry for all the terrible stories that filled your pages; you were a nice happy and colorful diary note book when I bought you.

You know, you have witnessed how I was charmed and fascinated by a guy who for some few reasons I believed he was the one for me, you have witnessed those fantasies and unrealistic dreams, those high expectations and assumptions about how great, how special, how unique, how romantic, how educated, how well-manner, and what a gentleman he was and how he was going to treat me and love me, how our love will be exceptional and how we are going to live a fairytale envied by everyone. And you also witnessed how slowly I fell head over heels in love with this man, this imaginary man I created in my head and gave him his face and his name and you heard those repeated stories about my failing attempts to get closer to him, my endless questions and interpretations of things he said or did and wondering all the time where we were standing and weather we were on the same page! you also witnessed how when finally my dream came true and I was his girl, how everyday and in every single incident he proved to be the opposite of what I thought, but you also saw my denial, my naivety, and my desperate efforts to convince myself that he was the right one for me and that he was the one I have been dreaming about, meanwhile, you also realized that he took advantage of this and of me, he fooled me, he played games whose rules were put by him and he, so slowly, made me lose pieces of myself convincing me that the problem was me and I was the one who stood in the way of his being the great guy and boyfriend I wanted him to be. You witnessed my despair, my tears, my pain and sorrow, you saw me breaking down, you saw me struggling to get on my feet as I was always crawling in the dirt reaching up for that ever far and ever impossible place he called "future". That future that was always better, always happier than now, a future in which he would be a better man, a nicer man, a more romantic, more respectful and more understanding and more tolerant man. But somehow, that future never came because it was just an illusion to keep me stick around him waiting while life passes me by. It took me long, long but not too long to realize that you didn't need future or miraculous changes and events to be yourself, to be human, to be kind, to do what's right, unless, you don't have these qualities already, unless you're not that person anyway, and in this case, waiting for centuries will not change this, but I didn't want to see this, I didn't ask why I am already all that, no matter how bad my day is, no matter how stressed out I am, I'm still a good supportive loving and tolerant girlfriend, I didn't see that, or better say, I looked away when I saw it. You witnessed all this and you were unable to speak. But I have some good news for you now: I am awake, I can see all that and I'm no longer blinded by his fake and fabricated charm. Now I see all he is and all he's not and that's why I walked away; I turned that page, once for all.

One day, I talked to him about the things that have been eating me about him, and I said I wanted to call it the end, but he didn't allow me, he gave me excuses and justifications, he said that he needed my patience, he needed me to be tolerant and he was going to change once his life was back on track and his business was going to blossom (I still don't know what business has to do with being a jerk!). I knew they were all lame excuses and I knew he was just buying himself time, but I decided to play along and wait for that perfect moment, so I said o.k., we'll wait then. I must add, he didn't beg me or anything, but he was just "discussing" the thing with me in his "rational" grown-up" "experienced" way that was supposed to impress or let's say fool me!

I was already running out of my love towards him, because love, just like anything else, if you keep giving it without receiving it in return, you eventually go bankrupt and you find no more of it to give. Before, I used to fill my love pockets through going back to those fantasies about our future and my imaginary picture of him as that great guy, but now that I was aware of their false nature, my only source of love ran dry.

I must also mention that in our last days, I was almost sure that he was seeing other people and that he had more than one girl in his life and that explained his days of disappearance, his late replies, his "being busy" excuses…etc so it seems like I was a name on a big list, although I know I was in the shortlist. The "Maybe we'll have some future together list" because if physical pleasure is what he wanted me for, then I'm sure I didn't give any of it, so he was keeping me for that other purpose, like some fine suit hanged in the closet for special occasions.

Anyways, it was a normal day, we were talking and he was in a good mood, for tomorrow of that day, we were going on a trip out of town because this is what my parents promised me after I was going to finish my finals, so I was very excited that day. That day, he  was out of town too, he was visiting some friends at his hometown that he left a few years ago to settle down with his family here, suddenly the subject of how he had better chances for his business to flourish in his hometown came up and he said he was going to move back in there in the future, and sure he asked me if I was going to follow him there, my honest answer was simply "NO" sure he didn't like it and suddenly I found myself accused of always saying no to everything and never making any sacrifices (seriously!) and he started giving me examples of girls much more educated and beautiful than me who followed a guy to rural places and lived to raise cattle and plant crops just to be with the man they loved and all this because I objected that I wasn't ready to get away from my family and live in his hometown where my dreams and ambitions that he knew very well about and he was supposed to be the greatest supporter of them were impossible to achieve in that place. So, his inferiority complex came into surface again and he accused me of making fun of his roots and looking down on him and no matter how much I tried to explain my position, it was useless, so he told me: you know, you have to choose, either me or here! If you won't follow me there, you will lose me! So make a choice! And I explained my reasons again and explained how unreasonable his request was especially that there's no way that any business will blossom in that place. But he wouldn't listen and he made up an excuse to end the phone-call. After that, I sat with myself, I thought for a while of how much I was ready to let go of him and yet there was that pain in my throat, the pain of letting go of something familiar and jumping into the unknown, but I thought, how perfect timing was that, a day before my long-awaited trip, a few months before my new life at college starts, i.e, I was literally in front of a new beginning, but this wasn't all of it, was I really not ready to give up my plans? Was I not ready to give up my dreams for the one I love and follow him wherever he went? Was I really not ready to make sacrifices for my love? No, I wasn't that terrible person, but I knew three things for sure, first: this was all again a new test, a new attempt to control me and my life and make me submit to him because I knew there was no business or bull shit in the matter. Secondly: I knew if he loved me for real, he would never have asked me to give up everything for him like this especially that his only motivation here was business and money, so how come they can be more valuable than me? Isn't it just because he wants me to say: yes, of course darling, I'll follow you to the end of the world? But let's say I was going to say that, wouldn't that have been a lie? Wouldn't I then just lose myself? Third: I was ready to sacrifice for real for the one I love, I was and still I am ready to follow my love, my true love to the end of the world except, he wasn't my true love and he didn't deserve that sacrifice form my side because he never did anything that could have earned him this and make him worthy of it, so I texted him and told him that it didn't work for me, I wasn't ready to do that and I told him that then this is better to be the end. He texted me back, and told me in his provokingly short kind of texts "it surely is" I won't lie and say this didn't hurt and part of me didn't wish for another reply but I knew this was for the best, so I texted him back and wished him all the best in life and wished him that he was going to achieve all his goals and I said goodbye" he replied "good bye" and that was it, my long tragic gothic romantic novel ended with a text message! I didn't mind it, I didn't want it to end in a better way because it was as cold and impassionate as text messages! So, the moment I received that text, I felt such a great relief! I felt like I was set free and yet I was scared that it wasn't over but I made it clear to myself that it was over no matter how hard he was going to try to have me back. I got rid of everything and threw all the memories away, they were not much anyway (he wasn't so generous in this too) and for next morning we hit the road and I had the best road trip in my life! I loved the feeling of being single again and I still love it! when we were back he seems to have made some stupid attempts such as sending a new request to my messenger which I declined and I also blocked him and that was it, I know he may send on certain occasions but these will get no replies too, he will, from now on think that I'm dead because the only responses he is going to get from me will be those of a dead person: NO RESPONSE.  And this is it, the end of my painfully long story with an unhealthy abusive relationship. I am seeking no revenge, I have already forgiven him and let him go, he, with this life he's leading will not reach any happy endings anyway and one day he will regret all this he did to me and any other girl and he will say: boy! That girl really loved me! But even if he remained a jerk even on his death bed, it's o.k., I don' care anyway because I'm seeking nothing from him and I am already alone on my own but also free and strong because what doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger and I learned my lesson and I'm having no regrets and I will change nothing of all that even if I could because this is what it should have been and this is what I needed to go through to learn some lessons about patience, tolerance, selflessness, compromise, sacrifice and giving and I also learned what kind of men are the right kind for me, what concepts I had about love and about a good boyfriend were wrong, what in reality isn't any cool or charming. I am more realistic, mature and experienced now and I somehow owe this to him and this experience and I know next time I will do much better and I'm not sorry for all that I gave him, I know they are not really wasted because I loved sincerely and honestly and I believe this can't be wasted, I believe in karma, and one day, I will receive all that I gave in return from someone who will be ready to give them without even being asked or begged to, someone who is going to love me, just the way I am, with all I am and I am not, someone who won't make me change into someone else but rather will make me the best of myself because he will support me to win my battles with my own demons. I know that person is somewhere out there, and I'm not in a hurry to find him or search for him, I will live my life to the fullest, I will love myself and complete myself because no one can complete you but You and I will leave it all to fate, to God, and I know someday, somehow, out of blue, he'll be standing there and I won't miss him because it's destined for us to meet and when we do, we'll fall in love and I will love him even more passionately, more sincerely and honestly than I did with my ex and I will give him more and more because he will be worth it and I will be ready to sacrifice everything for him, but I won't anyway, because he will never ask me to. It will be love with all its human and sacred meanings and I know it will hurt a little too, but it's o.k., we're human and this is how we work things out, what matters now is that I'm content with myself and I'm not waiting for anyone, for the first time in my life, it's just me-myself-my dreams-my ambitions-my potentials and everything I am facing life and the unknown! Quite interesting! Boy! I'm really loving it!

P.S. I'm done with writing diaries, I'll let life write itself and my diaries will be recorded in my mind, my memory and my achievements in life.

Here is my poem as the epilogue of this chapter of my life:

The Winner

Your bright glow has finally worn off

Exposing the rough features

Of your ugly truth:

You were not a great dream

You were not a sweet song

and you were not my only hope.

You were the jailor of all great dreams,

A deadly deafening silence,

And the slayer of any hopes.

Looking back at the footprints you left on my path,

at all the pretty roses and buds you accidentally on purpose, trod.

at the crushed leaves of  your beautiful lies

That fell even before the arrival of fall,

I realize:

I'm not sorry or sorrowful for losing you

I don’t miss that "endless love"

I feel no guilt, no regrets.

I don't need another ending

Or need an eraser, placed on the end of fate's pencil

But I DO regret failing myself

I DO miss the innocence in my eyes

That burning flame in my heart

That perfect harmony between the body and the soul

But mostly I miss my lost faith,

my faith in love.

looking back at what we had,

looking within at what I still have,

and looking forward to where the road will take me and the parts that survived,

 I understand:

I don't need to seek other choices,

I can do without your instructions,

Without your manuals, without your maps,

And without your keys of heaven

So, I'm closing this door once for all

because I ran out of expectations.

So, I'm retreating from this battlefield

proud of all the scars I hold,

because I am taking home the biggest trophy:

I-with all that I am.

07/10/2006

The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend-Part Nine

Dear Diary,

If you have noticed, I'm not writing you daily anymore because I feel like I'm running out of new things to say, as if over months, I've been filling your pages with the same crap every day, I don't even remember when was the last time I didn't tell you about him, to be more specific, about how much he hurts me and makes me suffer. As you know, we talked, we reached an agreement which was to agree with all he says and I gave up half of myself for him and all this just hoping that this will make things better, this will make him better, kinder, sweeter, more loving, more passionate and eventually will make our relationship more peaceful and stable, more like what I have been dreaming of all these years. But, as you may have guessed, nothing really changed, he's just the same, he ignores my texts and replies after hours giving me the "I was busy" excuse and when he replies, his replies are always shorter than my messages, less passionate and don't answer or comment on many things I mentioned. He doesn't answer my calls most of the time giving me the "There were many people around" or "I wasn't in a good place to pick up" excuses and if I show resentment or doubt, he'll start getting mad of me and suddenly, from the one who was mad of him and waiting for his apologies, I become the one who's reproached and has to apologize. Just like before, I have to pick my words carefully because you never know when a certain word suddenly becomes an insult. Just like before, sometimes I don't hear from him for one whole day. Just like before, I have to beg for some romance from his side and say all the romantic crazy stuff to get some from him in return (which is not always guaranteed). Just like before, he's so mysterious, his behavior is hard to predict, it's hard to know what he's up to and you don't dare to ask him in a way that makes him think that you're questioning him. And as a result of all this, just like before, I can find no rest, no peace, no lasting moments of happiness. Any time he doesn't reply to a text or a call, any time I don't hear of him for a day, I grow anxious and think that maybe I have done something wrong again and he broke up with me again without even letting me know. So, nowadays I'm realizing many things and some stuff seem to start to sink in, like, considering the many break ups and fights we went through in this short period of time, how long will this relationship last before another one, a last happens, especially that this is supposed to be my last chance?! And how we are supposed to survive sharing the rest of our live together if this is how we are already?! And I'm thinking, how tired I am of always thinking and wondering if I have done something wrong, I'm becoming obsessed, I look around, I recall my day and check my sent messages over and over to see if I have said or done anything that can make him get mad of me, it doesn't feel right. That day I saw an interview with a woman whose husband was so abusive and used to beat her up for any simple reason, she said the same thing, she talked about how she would look around to see if she had done something that could have triggered his violent side. And she talked about that he wasn't physically abusive before marriage, but he was emotionally abusive, like him now, and I thought "God! Will I be that woman?" I don't know, but I just fear him now more than I love him, it doesn't feel right! And the fact that I gave and gave and gave only hoping that he will change, he will become the man he used to be before but I ended up with me changing while he remained the same, maybe, this is how he simply is, maybe he was never any different, except I didn't know this before, I was blinded by some of his sides so I made that perfect picture of him in my mind and I fell in love with that imaginary guy that I gave his name and his face, maybe this is the problem, and this is why I thought being with him will be like a fairy-tale coming true, but now, after being his girl was the dream I was chasing after for years and it was all I wanted, now that I have it, it has become a nightmare, something I want to run away from. After all these sacrifices, all this suffering, all these tears and all this heartbreak, when I look back, I see that the happy moments are so few compared to the sad ones, I mean, where is it? Where is the guy I was dreaming of, that special guy who was supposed to give me that unique relationship? Well, I see nothing of it. And he and his love are unique in the things I'd wish them to be ordinary and they're ordinary in things I'd rather if they were unique! So, where is that love and romance? I find them no where around, I've been chasing it, feeding myself on its hopes and fantasies but the real one, I never tasted it. And you know what happened today? Today something happened that can be the last straw, we were supposed to meet, I almost got prepared but he called and said he had some urgent work to do and he couldn't make it. later, we were chatting , and I complained  a bit about what happened(sure without crossing my limits) then after some other stuff being discussed, I said that I was sad, sure I meant mainly because I couldn't see him, but you know what he told me "You girls never stop whining! You're sad! What can I do for you? Should I dance to you to cheer you up?" I know I am so young and inexperienced about love and romance but is this, the kind of answers a girl gets when she says to her boyfriend that she's sad? Did I misunderstand the whole concept of a love relationship or what?! Did I?! anyways, I remained calm and explained to him what I meant and he then like some sort of charity said  a few romantic things to fix the shit he said but I it's just too little too late. So, I'm waiting for that chance, that chance when I walk away, that moment when I'm ready, a moment when I walk out of the door gracefully, proudly, with nothing to regret, with nothing to be ashamed of, with no what ifs, with nothing to be ever blamed for. I'm waiting for it and I know; it's approaching.

The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend-Part Eight

Dear diary, 

The call I was waiting for, I didn't receive it only after one more day and it came to tell me that he wanted to see me at the park that day, I didn't really expect that but he said that this was the best and only way and I was obliged to cancel other obligations to make that possible. Anyways, I met him and, you know how when you don't see someone you love for such a long time because you were not talking, but you still can't hide your happiness and enthusiasm when you see them because you missed them a lot, well, this wasn't the case with him. He greeted me like a stranger and with a poker face and a confident unshaken voice he started talking about our problem, he told me that he wasn't planning to do this and give me this second chance but then he thought of me and he sympathized with me and didn't want to me to go on without ever knowing what was my fault that he broke up with me, he said all this in such an arrogance that made my heart ache, then he added that after reading in one of my texts (he meant the one I poured my heart out in it) that I'm too young and inexperienced and I may make some mistakes out of ignorance and not on purpose and I really need him to understand this and help me out as he's older than me and more experienced. So he said he decided to give me this other chance so that I won't fail again either with him or with a new person in my life. it was hard to hear that he was doing me a favor and it was harder to hear him talking about me being with someone new, Anyways, then he told me that this was my last chance and it was a test period and if I failed it, I won't get more chances. It's hard to explain but part of me just felt sick! It wanted to say "what the hell?" but I still suppressed that, I just love him too much to let go besides, I believe when you love someone you have to do and give everything possible to help the love survive and this to have a clear conscience about everything later and never have any regrets about that relationship when you think of it because you know you did your best. It's weird that I'm talking about this now, but can I really imagine my life without him? Maybe!

So, why he was upset with me, in his words was "there are just too many things wrong about you that I cannot stand and that's why I just one day decided to stop and leave you because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore" what were the wrong things about me he explained were the way I argue with him on certain matters and how straightforward and outgoing I am and he's obviously offended by that, but I really don't get it, why my self-confidence and honest answers to stupid hypothetical questions like "if I asked you to pick a different major than the one you like, will you obey me?", I know I should be a sweet fake girl and say "sure honey, anything you ask" but that's not me! And then he criticized the self-confident way I talk to guys with and he asked me to avoid talking to them and ignore them as much as possible, but I don't get it! The only guys I know are my cousins, friends to the family, neighbors...etc because I'm not a slut to talk to complete strangers. But it seems that even that is not good. Then he asked me to wear better clothes and stop wearing the stuff every girl wears nowadays, like the new fashion trends and he said if you are as different as you claim then you should wear other things that make you unique, but the clothes he suggested are nothing like me! And he went on mentioning people I should not see, stuff I should not say, stuff I should not do and the list got longer and longer and finally, he, so indifferently threw this question at me: so, what will you choose? Changing these bad things about you to have me back or ignoring all I said and losing me? And as much as it sounds stupid, I said: sure, I choose you over the world. Then he smiled and put his arm around my neck saying: then you're the queen of my heart. But that was it, the nicest move of the day, he then got up saying that he had an appointment, and I went home alone and just like the old days, he doesn't keep in touch much often, he ignores my messages and replies only after hours and this all makes me die of fear thinking that I did something wrong again and failed the test, it's really uneasy and although weeks ago I was ready to lose everything else and have him back because I thought he was everything, now when I finally had him, I don't feel like a winner at all because I feel like I lost much more precious things along. I really don't know where we're going but I think this is it, if again he broke up with me for some new reason, I'll just give up, I can't live in fear all my life like this. I'm tired of worrying all the time and suspecting my own actions all the time and being the one who gives so much and receives very little in return, I'm just tired, I don't want to lose myself more than I already did!

The Diaries of an Abused Girlfriend-Part Seven

Dear Diary,

I feel stressed up and absolutely exhausted. He sent me again yesterday, he asked again how I was doing and such stuff. I couldn't stop myself from replying "I'm fine, thank you, but I'm just confused, why you send me if only two weeks ago you said that we were over?" he didn't reply until after an hour, my heart was racing all that time, I called myself stupid a hundred times, I said that I just pushed him away again, but I couldn't help it, I had to know where we were standing. Anyways, he finally replied "I know but I think I'm giving you another chance but I hope I won't regret it." Once I saw the word "another chance" my heart jumped inside my chest, "so he wants me back" I thought, I was so happy yet I was scared, scared because I don't know what tests will be waiting for me to earn this second chance and how long it will last before I do something that will be a new reason to break up. Still, I just want him back, no matter how much that's going to cost me. I just don't want to live without him. I can't. so I replied him thanking him for that and I told him how much I love him, how I couldn't forget him, how much I suffered without him…etc I just poured out my heart to him, I know that may make me more vulnerable to him but I'll have nothing to lose if I lose him, so I'll give him everything else to keep him. He said he loved me too and he missed me too, but not as passionately as I did, I mean it was all those short sentences ending with "too" that you know he's being rather polite and considerate than really willing to say them. That hurt a bit, but it's o.k., even if he doesn't love me like before, I'll do my best to change that, besides, I know him, he doesn't like to express his emotions to me that much and show his love to me. Finally, he said we were going to talk soon, but that was it, since yesterday he didn't send or call and although we are supposed to do that talk on the phone but no signs of him so far, I sent him "what's up?" but no reply. So, did he change his mind or what? Or does he want me not to contact him until things are settled. I don't know, I'm sick of this. Above all this, I had a fight with my best friend because she said that I was stupid to let him in my life again, and she told me who is he to give me second chances while I didn't do anything wrong. She said that the world is full of wonderful men who won't make me play all these guessing games, men who won't test me or just forget everything we shared and break up with me at every little problem we face, men who when upset about something I did, will simply let me know as soon as possible and won't just turn their backs on me to let me find out on my own. She said there are men unafraid of saying "I'm sorry" when they make any mistake, men who say "I love You" in any time or place, men who notice and take care of the small details that mean a lot to a lady. She told me it all exists, and her man was just like that but I won't meet someone like that as long as I'm stuck on an abusive guy. Her words touched some undiscovered part of me and made me upset, I told her who was she to judge our love as if she was all-knowing and I told her that he is the one I love and I don't give a damn how other men may be, I love him and he's all she mentioned except he needs time and tolerance and I need to stop upsetting him because when I don't he's so different, he's nice and sweet. But she told me that she pities me and that I was so blind and she told me that if he really loved me, I wouldn't have made him upset that often because in true love, you even love each other's imperfections, but I yelled at her and said "enough with your philosophy and pretending that you know everything, I love him, I'm back to him no matter what and if you're really my friend, you'll support me in this." But she said that she was never going to support me in this, yet, she would respect my decision and was going to say no more about this. Then she left, so I think we won't be that close again anytime soon. So, now I'm waiting for him to call and talk, I'm losing my patience. I'm stressed and don't know what to expect. I just want this to be over somehow. But what I know for sure is that I love him so much and I'll do anything to stay with him. I'm not ready to let go. Not yet.